Mozzies
Man, for bugs, these things have a bad case of favouritism. I mean, you think they’d just be hungry and eat whatever came their way. But no, they are totally selective. If I’m with Pete, he’s the meal for that evening and if I’m with my sister then I’m the flavour of choice. And on top of all this, everyone’s reaction differs. It’s not like a shark where the outcome would be the same if it bit me or Pete. With mozzies some people have big itchy reactions and some have small bites that don’t itch. There are even a few lucky bastards who don’t react at all.
Rainstorms
Here’s a fun filled fact. On average, Sydney has a higher rainfall than London. There’s nothing quite like a Sydney rainstorm. But the two places share a similarity: you don’t really need an umbrella. My brother, his girlfriend and I got caught out in a huge storm last week. It was so heavy there was no point bothering with an umbrella because either way you were going to be drenched. And in London there’s no point bothering with an umbrella because the rain is so light that either way you won’t get drenched.
Public Transport
Or should I say, the lack of public transport. I mean, come on. It absolutely stinks! I know I have complained about the tube here and here but I’ve come to realise that having a painful public transport system is better than a non existent one. I used to boast to Londoners about how great it is that I could afford cabs in Sydney and spend the equivalent of 10 pounds to get home after a night of drinking, but the rest of the time it feels like money down the gurgler. No, it cant be! Don’t tell me I’m missing the tube. Weird!!!
Slip, Slop and Slap
What is up with the dancing penguin with the grating voice? Slip, slop is an ad campaign to make Australians take better care of themselves in the sun. In the past thirty years these ads have rarely changed. See the most current below (2009) and compare with the other links I’ve put underneath.
To see the 1980s version click here and for the 2001 version click here.
Apparently Martin you used to have big parties celebrating the FA Cup final every year. Although I’ve lived in England for over ten years I have only recently understood why the FA Cup has such great prestige, media interest and general player/fan passion.
The FA Cup features 762 teams all playing for the honor of being declared the best team in England. Because the sport is football – anything can happen. This weekend Manchester United lost 1-0 to Leeds (42 places below Man U in League 1) in a thrilling match. As money in today’s football is such a massive factor it is somewhat refreshing for a tournament like the FA Cup to close the gap between the best and worst clubs. Today’s win by Leeds proves to all the clubs that on any given day they can beat the ‘best’ teams in the country.
A summary of some of the biggest upsets in FA Cup history and an epic forum discussion between two people who obviously know a lot more about football than me.
The dosh
What are we, kids playing monopoly or something? It’s even made of plastic too. And people (myself included) will harp on about how our money can survive the washing machine. As though putting a $20 note through the washer is a common occurrence.
Australians with arachnophobia
I spent my first night back in Sydney on Christmas Eve harassing a spider (I may have been slightly intoxicated). I chased it around my bed squealing in delight, ‘I’m in Australia’. Yep, there’s nothing unusual about having a spider in your bedroom.
Arachnophobia is an abnormal fear of spiders and a stack of Aussies suffer from it. You’d think that maybe we’d have some kind of Steve Irwin-esque behavioural trait ingrained in to our sub-conscience as a coping mechanism but no … for lots of Aussies spiders are scary. It’s freaking weird! Not the spider part (I like spiders, they catch pesky flies) but the arachnophobia part. Growing up surrounded by arachnophobics, meant by the age of six I was a spider-catching extraordinaire. Someone had to catch the hairy critters and take them outside (don’t worry I never killed any). But it’s madness that a spider sighting can lead to Aussies attempting to leap from moving vehicles or knocking over food and chairs at the dinner table. My mum included.
Our common garden birds
My first morning in Sydney on Christmas day, I walked out of the house carrying a garbage bag full of pressies (see time efficiency below) when two birds came flying over my head. The screech they made was horrendous and I actually dropped down to my knees, and muttered something along the lines of, ‘holy f*** I’m in Australia’. These birds were Rainbow Lorikeets and they are stunning. They have the kind of colours that most people would pay good money to gawk at it in a zoo but here we are dodging them. They’re so common, my friend who lives down the road hand feeds a few Lorikeet regulars from her windowsill every morning.
Time efficiency
A friend of mine asked me about servos in London. I replied there are no servos in London. When it comes to employment, Australians are known for being hard working and efficient. Well, this applies for our conversations too. So a petrol station is a servo. Other time efficient words we have are:
Words that end in ie:
present = pressie, biscuit = bikkie, chocolate = chockie, Christmas = Chrissie, lipstick = lippie, position = possie, mosquito = mozzie and breakfast = brekkie.
Words that end in o
vegetarian = vego, bottle shop = bottle-0, registration = rego, garbage collector = garbo, ambulance driver/ paramedic = ambo and afternoon = arvo.
Other
champagne = champers, McDonalds = Maccas and chicken = chook.
However, there are exceptions. We tend not to use too many abbreviations in one sentence. Rarely will someone say something like, ‘can I have a chockie bikkie while opening my Chrissie pressie?’ Even saying ‘I’m going to the bottle-o this arvo’ is a stretch. And surprisingly, we don’t go to the l00 (that term is a bit vulgar). Instead we use the bathroom, or toilet.
In the spirit of The Guardian’s ‘Faces of 2009′ (a blog that focuses on people who made the headlines, in the arts, news and sport throughout the year), I thought I would take you through a few of our favourite faces (who are new from the perspective of an Australian couple).
Boris Johnson - A regular on our Expat Sats posts, we had the pleasure of attending a local Q and A with Boris and his crew at the Brixton Academy. He came across as frank, passionate and a fan of ‘dad jokes’. As London’s Mayor he frequently makes the headlines. My favourite was when he was the ‘knight on a shining bicycle’ after he intervened in the mugging of a documentary filmmaker Franny Armstrong. Good way to get votes but Franny stands by her preference Ken Livingstone. What else does a guy have to do?
Peter Andre – Em wrote about the British media’s obsession with Pete here. This year he broke up from his pin-up wife Jordan/Katie Price. From their TV show they come across as been very stupid but completely made for each other. I can’t imagine what differences they may have, nor do I care.
Cheryl Cole - she certainly doesn’t have to fight for my love. It is there in spades. Cheryl has the best regional accent in town. There is some debate as to if she has any talent but on charm alone, she gets into our top five faces of 2009. Great music video here (try and ignore the eye make up).
Florence + The Machine - A great new London act that produces a pretty catchy and unique sound (’soul inspired indy rock’ says Wikipedia). New album to be recorded in Jan 2010. Definitely on my ‘To See Live’ list
Simon Cowell – This year he revealed that he has “dark moods and miserable thoughts”. For that alone he makes my list. Cowell basically owns ITV – a faltering British TV network whose rare hits are the ones he is involved in. Despite originally criticising the Facebook push for Rage Against The Machine to get the prestigious Christmas No. 1 single, he has since offered jobs to the campaign creators. An X Factor/The Big Questions hybrid show is in the works for next year’s election. Looking forward to Gordon Brown’s cover of The Final Countdown.
When traveling to strange and foreign lands, it’s fun to discover new fauna and flora. Last Saturday I saw mistletoe for the first time and I also ate pheasant. Very English indeed.
I wrote a post about squirrels but the other animal I have been introduced to is the deer.
But I’m pretty stupid when it comes to deer. I know that they pull Santa’s sleigh and I saw Bambi about twenty years ago but that’s about the extent of my knowledge. I was on my lunch break in Covent Garden and saw two reindeer. I was mesmerised. They were so cute. But I didn’t even know if the antlers are real. At first I looked at this deer head and tried to see where the stitching could be, or if they had given it some sort of headband with antlers glued on. But no, the deer’s head looked like two wooden sticks were growing out of it’s skin/fur. Which if you think about it too closely is actually kinda gross.
My other impression of a deer was at the Hyde Park Winter Wonderland. This Christmas spectacle is like England has taken the German Weichnachtsmarkt, pulled down its pants and done a massive fart on it. It’s bordering on vulgar. And I found this deer to be a poncy moron.
I love last.fm for many reasons. For one, it enables me to look back at 2009 and see who were my most listened to artists. Surprisingly six out of 10 are from England.
1. Röyksopp (Norway) – Their 2009 album Junior is their best and the best album of the year.
2. Air (France) – simply musical geniuses.
3. La Roux (Sounds French but actually from England). Best hair cut and most unique pop sound for 2009.
4. Muse (England) – one of the best live acts I’ve seen and a worthy winner of Triple J’s hottest 100 last year. Matthew Bellamy is one seriously talented musician (and his vocal range spans from an A2 to an A5 which sounds impressive).
5. Sting (England) – He is over the hill but I’ve only recently put some of his classics on to my iPod hence the high rotation.
6. Florence + The Machine (England) – fellow South Londoner. She can wail with the best of them and would give the ladies at Lewisham bus stop a run for their money.
7. Bon Iver (USA) – So very relaxing and ethereal.
8. Little Boots (England) – I was a tad surprised that she got onto my Top Ten and beat U2, Goldfrapp and Coldplay. I put it down to her addictive tracks like ‘Stuck on Repeat‘ and ‘New in Town‘.
9. Jamiroquai (England) – my favourite band of all time. New album rumored for 2010.
10. Phoenix (France) – their 2009 album Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix is one of their best.
I know it can be tricky for people over here to tell the difference between our accents. We insist to the English there’s a huge difference and then asked what it is, we reply, ‘go ask a Kiwi to say fish n chips.’ And when the English person looks at us confused, we giggle like a school girl and say, ‘they say six like sex’. Which probably leaves the English person thinking Australians are tossers (if they didn’t already think this in the first place). I have no idea what a Kiwi responds when asked this question about us. Do let me know if you find out.
So, here are some key differences to help the poms make the distinction.
It’s all about I
This is why we give the example of six, fish and chips. New Zealanders tend to shorten them to the point of no existence. Try saying six without its middle letter. It sounds like sex right? And if anything their ‘i’ is more like a ‘u’. So instead of six serves of fish n chips, you get sex fush n chups.
Irish Comedian, Jason Byrne, said that Aussies sound like dolphins, all high pitched and squeaky (the joke was also in reference to our awesome swimming abilities and his lack of). What he didn’t mention is the way we pronounce ‘i’ is also dolphin-like. ‘I’ becomes double ‘e’ as though rhyming with wee. So Aussies eat feesh and cheeps. We call in seeck to work. And our friends over the ocean are Keewees. All those ‘ee’s do resemble an over excited dolphin.
A word of advice
You meet someone from our part of the world, they’re talking away at you and you can’t remember which nationality says fush or feesh. What do you do? If you have to guess which country they’re from, like the bugger has asked you or something, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU DO? Say they’re from New Zealand. Well, generally speaking, Kiwis will get more offended if you confuse them with us, so never assume a Kiwi is Australian. And if the person turns out to be an Aussie, they’ll more than likely just laugh and say, ‘nah mate, they say six like sex.’
So, for all you English people reading, I hope this post has cleared up some things for you. I hope I haven’t left you more confused, or thinking that we’re not just tossers but freaky dolphin tossers.
For another article on how to tell us apart visit here.
Sorry Martin but Mince Pies are weirdly fantastic. I’ve always been a fan but you can really only appreciate them after they have been cooked nicely in the oven and are then served with Brandy Butter whilst listening to ‘Driving Home For Christmas’ by Chris Rea.
Mince pies are filled with mincemeat – a preserve typically containing apple, dried fruits such as raisins, sultanas and spices. Mince Pie fans – watch out for the ones with Suet – that’s raw beef or mutton – Yuck.
On a more positive note, Rea fans watch out for a new studio album due to be released mid 2010.
With my trip to Sydney looming I’ve started to think about the things I love about England.
Books
People read more here. Yeah it may be trashy tabloids and things like The Sun but at least they’re reading. And books are cheap and everywhere. It’s a bookworm’s wet dream.
The People
The accents are so different and their sense of humour is great. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve met some duds but generally speaking you English are a good bunch and I’m proud to be a British citizen and a half pommie lassie.
Gatwick
This airport rocks! There’s space and a good train line (well it helps that it goes to Clapham). London is a perfect way to travel around Europe. And doing it from Gatwick is too easy.
Pies
I loved pies in Australia but they don’t do them there like they do here. Pete and I were taken to a fantastic pub in Kingston by Trish and Andrew. It’s called The Druids Head and it does specialty pies. I ordered mine with seeded mustard mash. It was so tasty I made it for a dinner party. Kids, do try this at home – it’s awesome. Other highly recommended pies are Pieminister pies. I first stumbled across them with a colleague on our lunch break at the Convent Garden market. The pies will melt in your mouth and make you cry out in pleasure from your office desk. There’s a huge variety to choose from with interesting ingredients such as sherry, chorizo or vermouth.
Britain’s Got Talent
This show (aka BGT) is my guilty pleasure. The winners of this year’s contest were a dance group from Essex called Diversity (Susan Boyle was a graceful loser). Winning included performing at the Royal Variety show in front of the Queen. Wonder how she found those Essex boys? Talented? And my other secret confession is that I don’t mind host, Simon Cowell. It’s Piers Morgan who makes my skin crawl. Other BGT acts I enjoyed were Flawless – a dance act in competition with Diversity (I preferred Flawless) – and Natalie Okri – who is beyond adorable and the cutest child singer ever. And If you’re after a laugh there’s the Stavros Flatly Irish Greek Dancers – a father and son act and the Faces of Disco – even Peter Andre features in this number.
Christmas
December in London is Magic. January and February … well, they hold less charm. There’s something so special about being rugged up to see the light display on Oxford Street, drinking mulled wine and eating warm Christmas food. For an Australian, you start to realise why all those people from the Northern Hemisphere who come to Australia for Christmas tease the shit out of us. In a dream world I would spend the lead up to Christmas in London but arrive home in Sydney just in time for Christmas Day. Oh wait, that’s what I’m doing – score!
Double Decker buses
Sitting at the top of a double decker bus never fails to amuse. It’s also a refreshing change from the tube and a good way to see London. I used to try and get the front seat but the windows are so revolting and grubby it’s best to sit second row from the front. When I’m up there, I think of the Beatles sitting up top, smoking cigarettes as they go into a day dream, or so the song went in A Day in the Life – one of my all time favourite songs since I was about fourteen.
Sorry Martin but the only thing Royal about the English Postal system is the royally large queues.
I had to pick up a parcel at a sorting office on the weekend it took me 20 minutes. That is considered to be quick.
What’s with newsagents having a little post office down the back? Once you make it to the front of the queue there is normally a very friendly person there to great you (and almost celebrate the fact that you made it). Even though you are clearly sending Christmas cards they will careful make sure each one fits through the ‘parcel thickness tester’. Should you have anything larger than a card then you will have to weigh it on scales that were made in 1923. You also end up paying an exorbitant sum to pay for stamps, having reluctantly been up-sold to ‘First Class’.
Postal workers go on strike often in England. They never receive too much public or media sympathy because, unfortunately, their service is pretty poor. The queue, high postage rates and dinky newsagent branches seem entrenched in good old English culture.
